Can I?

I have not been updating my blog for months. I was busy with my internship and studies for the past few months. Now is week 11 of my year 3 sem 3 and I will be very busy for few more weeks. It means that I should be either studying or doing assignments but I chose to write something here because I don't have mood to do other things. I have been crying for days, drinking beer, skipping meals and classes, and that's how moody I am. I gave myself a deadline for being so useless but I failed to be a stronger me even after the deadline. I tried to hide my sadness and smile but I can't. I can't hold my tears. I can't concentrate on anything. All I have in my mind is the memories with him. Our conversation, things we have done together,  places we went. I miss him. He might not be the forever one but he is the one I want for now. However, it seems like I am not the one he wants. So I am trying very hard to leave him. It will be very painful, but this is something I need to do. The problem now is can I? Am I strong enough to leave? I don't know..

T_T

I don't know why I get to cry so easily. At first, I got upset because my housemate did not wait for me for dinner. I end up eating fruits at home. Fine, I don't mind. I can forget about that. Later, when my cousin say he wanna shift out from his house where he is now staying with his mother and brother, I burst into tears. I don't know why. I am not sure if this is call stress. I am having four tests on this coming fri, sat and mon. I haven't finish revising any of them. When I look at my notes, I don't understand a single thing. I don't understand even reading them. I feel like giving up on my studies, giving up on my life. My result has been getting worst time to time. Sometimes, I ask myself, "Why am I so stupid?", "Why people can get good result but I can't?", Why am I keep failing subjects while others are improving?". And, I can't find answer for these questions. I have been studying hard, did pay attention in class but still I fail. What is happening to me? Did not do well in studies, not physically attractive, basically I don't see myself good at anything. I do cry for being so useless and I know crying doesn't help but still I can't control. I cry over small matters. I know this is not a good habit. Can anyone please tell me how to be someone stronger? I hate being weak but I have no idea how to grow stronger.

Feeling down~

Recently, I have been very emotional. I get angry easily. I feel sad most of the time. I wanna cry. I feel so small, so useless, so lonely. I know people around me are saying me fat behind me. Some of them even have a nickname for me. People usually pay attention on the one beside me instead of me. They can totally ignore me and talk to the one beside me only. Well, I understand. I am short, fat, ugly and seems not as friendly as the one beside me. They don't even bother to be friends with me, of course they won't even bother to talk to me. I know. I feel like I am being ignored.
Almost most of the test 1 results are out. I don't score high marks for most of it. I did study very hard but I still get those rubbish result. Can someone tell me why am I so stupid? Why do I still get low marks after studying so hard? WHYYYYY????? I am very disappointed with my myself. I fail to impress anyone on any matters.
While I am so down, I try to find someone to talk to. There is this friend, when I told her about my situation, instead of comforting me, she asked me a question. The question sounds "No people talk to you is it?". I was so disappointed with her. She call herself my bestfriend and this is what I get in return when I need her.
I think it is time for me to have a makeover. I will those who look down at me now to get a heart attack. Wait and see.

the person sitting opposite me everyday~

I didn't know you are kind of important to me. I know sometimes I am a bit no manners to you but that is because I put you in a position that is different than others. I tend to be more good girl in front of people that I am not close with. And I don't label you as the person I am not close with. The thing that makes me feel sad is you don't label me as close. I am nothing to you. I don't wish to be someone special to you but at least someone more important than the others.

Something from my heart

I feel that something is bothering me recently. But I don't know what is the feeling about. It makes me very uncomfortable. Forget about the feeling, let's talk about something else. People might tell you they will be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to. However this will not be the case when you really need them. This is because everyone has their own things to do, own problems to worry about, and some other friends to care about. So they may not have time for you sometimes. I used to tell myself this when my friends are not replying my message. I don't know how true is this but I hope I am not wrong. There are times when I need someone to talk to but I don't know who to approach. I go through my contact list in my phone, I go through my friends list in Facebook, I don't know who to find. I am not sure are they willing to listen to me. I am not sure if they will understand me. That is why I prefer to keep the problems to myself. This way makes me a very negative person. I always see things from the negative point of view. I know this is not healthy. I need to change it. I am reading books to motivate myself and I believe I will be able to be more optimistic. All the best!!! And good night~ :)

out of expectation~

My degree year 2 sem 3 result is out yesterday evening. I was at the bookstore that time. When I reach home at around 8pm, I don't have the courage to see my result. I was worried that I will fail any subject. So I waited until 12am because this is the time to sleep.  Everyone will be in the room including me. I choose to see my result in my room is because I don't want my family to see me crying. I will sure cry if I fail any subject. So when the drama in the television ends, I went up to my room and log in to my university's portal. Well, I failed one very important subject. Failing this subject cause me to extend one year of studies. In other words I have to graduate one year later than expected. Failing is not something out of my expectation. The person who comforted me yesterday is someone out of my expectation. He is this guy I used to dislike sometimes. I used to complain about him to my friends but he is the one who comfort me and help me to stay strong. I am not mentioning his name here. But still I would like to thank him here. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Before I end, I would like to thank jia yee n yan wei too. They were there for me too. Thank you!!! I love u guys very much!!! <3

How I feel inside...

I feel that sometimes I doesn't know how to communicate with people. Some people around me can be really fake. I hate to pretend. I hate to be fake. I know it is difficult to survive in this world like this. Besides this, I have another thing to say. People don't stick with me when there are others around. They can left me alone walking behind them without turning back to see if I am still around. I am sure they wouldn't know if I am lost. Well I know, I am not the popular kind. Not to say that I wanna be the centre of attraction but I just need a little attention. People tends to ignore me when we are in group. I will always be the listener because none of them will listen to me when I speak up. As time goes by, I turn to be more introvert.

Super emo

I am very down tonight. I don't know why. Maybe it is because of him. I guess I have really fall in love with him. I cried. I just can't hold my tears. I start to feel emo when I know he didn't reply me after he saw my msg. But he doesn't really have to reply anyway because my last message to him is "okay =D" . I know I shouldn't be moody because of this, but I still feel like crying when I think about it. Am I stupid? There might be more and more moody posts coming up in the future because I know I won't be happy if there is still him in my heart. I don't see chance between us.

2012

Year 2012 is not a good year for me. I had chicken pox where I still have the scars with me now. It  has been almost a year but the scars just don't want to go away. Then, I lost my Iphone. I was using it for a month only when it is being stolen. Fuck the thief. After that things doesn't go too bad until the release of my degree year 2 sem 1 result. I failed my loss model. I failed my coursework but I thought I could pass since I really know how to do during final. However, result still shows a 'F' for that subject. This is the first subject I fail in university. I do ask myself "Am I too stupid to study Actuarial Science?". The worst part is my grandma has passed away. She has left for a month, but I still cannot accept it. I always got a feeling that she is still with me as if she is still alive. I really miss her very much!!!
Year 2012 is really the worst year I ever had in my 20 years life. I hope 2013 will be a better year for me. :)

She left me

When I was having my breakfast with my family, my aunt received a call from my uncle saying that my grandma might leave us anytime. I have the same feeling as Friday night when I received a call from my mom saying that my grandma is in critical. We rush to the hospital immediately. On the way to the hospital, it started to rain. I was crying all the way. My dad did not speed up. He drive at his normal speed. My mom says my grandma will wait if she wants. We don't have to rush. But I am still worried that she will leave me before I reach.
I went up to her ward with my mom and aunts while my dad and my bro went to park the car. She is not conscious anymore. She is not opening her eyes. She is not answering me. T_T My aunt who take care of her last night said my grandma is not moving since 5am. My grandma move a lot even if she is sleeping. It must be something wrong if she is not moving. But my aunt did not inform us that time. I was so angry at her. Doctor said there is nothing much they can do now because she is already very weak. All we can do now is wait for to her pass away. I feel so useless that time. Later my dad and my bro came. She is still not awake. My mom called people in the old folks home to fetch my grandpa here. When my grandpa is coming up, my grandma's heartbeat starts to drop as shown in the machine. My grandma passed away immediately at 1548 when my grandpa is in front of her. Now I understand by what my mom means by "my grandma will wait if she wants". I won't believe it if I don't witnessed it myself.
Later we went to the shop that sells coffins. We chose clothes and coffins for my grandma. After discussing all the details for the my grandma's funeral, we went to have our dinner and went home. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't. I was crying and trying to hear is there any sound. I was expecting some sound that will let me know that my grandma's soul is in the house. But I don't hear a single thing. I MISS HER!

Second day in the hospital

After my brunch, I went to the hospital to see my grandma. She looks fine. My aunt said my grandma did not sleep the whole night. Maybe she is tired so she thinks it is late already. She asked what is the time. She says she wants to sleep and ask us to go home. She wants to get down of the bed. She the kind of active person. She is afraid she can't walk because she keeps lying on the bed. She even know where to throw the plastic bag that she use to split to. Doctor came and told us about my grandma. He said her lungs hardens. Her lungs can't function well anymore. Or I should say her lungs cannot contract much. Air keeps entering the lungs to provide oxygen for her body causing lungs to expand but not contracting to the normal size. There is no more bleeding in the lungs but there is still blood in the lungs. With a cut at the lungs, i am sure there will be other liquid which is not belongs to the lungs had enter the lungs. Everyone knows she will leave us soon. But I am not accepting the truth. Because I don't want to lose her. I take care of her for awhile. She has been taking care of me for 20 years, now it is time for me to take care of her.

The news...

Today, while I was on my bed about to take a nap, my phone rings. Is my mom. I picked it up and she told me my grandma had admitted to the hospital this morning because she vomit blood. I din't think much about it. I know she will be fine because she looks healthy all the while. So I took my nap. Later, after dinner, while I was cutting some fruits, my mom called. She said she have something to tell me but I have to be strong. The only thing in my mind is my grandma. Then she said grandma is in a very critical condition now and might pass away anytime tonight. I was so shock and nervous that time and I can't hold my tears anymore. After I inform my brother about it, I called Cheah and asked him can he fetch me to the hospital and he said yes immediately. How lucky am I to have a friend like him. =D I was crying and praying the whole journey. Cheah left after he had dropped me. I stop crying and rushed up to the wad. I saw my relatives sitting outside the ward. I walked in to the wad without talking to them. I am afraid that I don't get to see her for the last time. When she is in front of my eyes, my tears start to fall again. My mom asked me to tell grandma everything will be fine but I can't talk. I feel like crying. I tried to calm down, wiped my tears and go near her. She was sleeping. I called her and she responded. She recognized me. She is still very conscious but she didn't talk much. She asked me to go home only. I told her I will go back later and asked her to rest. So she continue to sleep. Awhile later, my brother reached. He came in with my aunties. He did the same thing I did. We stayed by her side around half an hour. Then we stay outside the ward so that we will not disturb the other patients. We had some conversations. I got to know more about what is going on with my grandma during the conversations. There is a cut in her lungs. Blood enters the lungs come out through the mouth. We do breath with mouth. The passage where the air goes through to enter the lungs is the passage for my grandma's blood come out from the lungs. But we still don't know why there is a cut. When the time shows 2.00am, my big aunt asked us to go home. She and my small aunt will stay there to take care of my grandma which is their mom. I din't cry on the way home. I was relieved that she is still alive.

Adrian 陈凯旋

YAY!!! He is back! He is updating again! =D I have something to share with you guys. It is taken from Adrian's Facebook.

Can u guys see the rainbow around the sun? It is so beautiful but nothing seems to be better than the return of my dear, Adrian. He went to Tokyo for a week. During that 1 week, I was so moody. Nothing is interesting to me. All I do is look at his old photos and statuses. But now, everything returns normal ^^. I can view his Facebook page every hour and like his post as usual. =)

Adrian 陈凯旋

He is currently not in KL. He has been away since last Monday. I don't know where he is. He might be enjoying himself or busy working. He seldom update his Facebook and Instagram. I really miss him very much. Or maybe I should say every baby A miss him. He said he don't have mooncake to eat on this mooncake festival. Adrian, do you want me to mail a mooncake to you? XD
Hope to see you soon <3

Adrian 陈凯旋

Adrian!!! Yesterday I went Leisure Mall to see him. The real him looks a lot more better than photos. He is really very handsome and friendly. Before this, I do not know why people say he is friendly because he don't comment in my post. Hahahaha... But now I know, he is really damn friendly. I regret that I did not say bye to him and I din't shake him with him. ARGHHHHH!!! Nevermind, at least I took a photo with him. I am the third person who let him sign but I leave only after he left. He might not remember me but I can't stop thinking of him. Go like his page! https://www.facebook.com/pageadrian Support him! <3

Can't hold my tears T_T

Today, loss model's coursework mark has been released. I failed. I only get 16 out of 40 for my coursework. I knew my coursework mark will not be high but I don't expect fail. I only got 4 out of 100 marks for test 1. I lost my mood when I got back the paper. I told myself I will work hard for test 2. I did. But I only score 51 out of 100. I thought I could get 70. I was very disappointed with myself. I did the tutorial twice but my hard work just doesn't pay off. Lecturer gave tips but I still can't score. Am I that weak? I really don't know. I sometimes do think of giving up. Maybe I really do not have the potential to be an actuary. However, I won't give up. I will do my very best for final. I still have 60 marks in hand. I still have the chance to pass. I will fight for it!!! I still can get an A-. Don't be too greedy~ haha =D

support support support!!! =D

Elecoldxhot is going to Las Vegas for World Hip Hop International competition. They are the only crew representing Malaysia =D. There are many crews from other countries joining this competition as well. It might seems difficult for them to win but there is still a chance for them of course. I totally have confident on them! Joe, Chriz, Dennis, Joey, Fuzz, Faruq, support u guys Elecoldxhot!!! All the best~

EMO T_T

My bad temper has returned. I was a bit rude to my dad just now because I was in a bad mood. I know I am not supposed to be rude no matter how worst is my mood but I just can't control myself. Here comes the story why am I so angry. My brother needs to online to search information for his assignments but we don't have wi-fi at home. We only have a broadband which I bring it to my hostel. So my brother suggested to get Unifi. However my mom said it is too expensive. So I she said I share the Unifi in my hostel and my brother will use my broadband. Everything will be fine if my brother is fine with the broadband. But he said broadband is very slow and he cannot use his watsapp. FUCK SHIT!!! Just because everyone is using watsapp then you want to follow? You can survive now without internet at home so what is the problem with slow internet speed? I have been using it for two years. Why must people be so picky? So now my mom found this package with one home modem and on-the-go modem. So she said I will be using the on-the-go and we will be sharing the home. She came out with this just after I told my housemates that I am sharing the Unifi. It makes me feel bad. I am afraid that my housemates will be unhappy with it. Why can't she just keep the decision that she had made?

Things to be done...

He found the one that he loves and loves him too. Luckily I am just admiring him only. =) I am going to continue to search for a target.
This week is the third week of the semester and I feel like I am falling behind. I must finish risk tutorial before I go to bed and get all the attended tutorials done by this Friday. Not to forget my risk's assignment. Must get part of it done by next Wednesday. Ohya... Totally forgotten about it, the bills! Have to pay water bill tomorrow and electricity bill this Saturday. I not yet submit my particulars to my risk's lecturer and nit yet study for online exercise for loss model. So many things to do yet so little time for it ><. Girl, I am sure you can do it. gogogo~

me =(

I find myself useless most of the time. I don't have the confident that others have. I don't think I can get things done myself. I always feel that people don't like to talk to me, don't like to hang out with me and don't need me in their life. I don't achieve good result, don't look good, not tall enough, not slim enough. All these really bring my level of confident to zero. Can anyone tell me what am I supposed to do to make me feel more confident???