How I feel inside...

I feel that sometimes I doesn't know how to communicate with people. Some people around me can be really fake. I hate to pretend. I hate to be fake. I know it is difficult to survive in this world like this. Besides this, I have another thing to say. People don't stick with me when there are others around. They can left me alone walking behind them without turning back to see if I am still around. I am sure they wouldn't know if I am lost. Well I know, I am not the popular kind. Not to say that I wanna be the centre of attraction but I just need a little attention. People tends to ignore me when we are in group. I will always be the listener because none of them will listen to me when I speak up. As time goes by, I turn to be more introvert.

Super emo

I am very down tonight. I don't know why. Maybe it is because of him. I guess I have really fall in love with him. I cried. I just can't hold my tears. I start to feel emo when I know he didn't reply me after he saw my msg. But he doesn't really have to reply anyway because my last message to him is "okay =D" . I know I shouldn't be moody because of this, but I still feel like crying when I think about it. Am I stupid? There might be more and more moody posts coming up in the future because I know I won't be happy if there is still him in my heart. I don't see chance between us.

2012

Year 2012 is not a good year for me. I had chicken pox where I still have the scars with me now. It  has been almost a year but the scars just don't want to go away. Then, I lost my Iphone. I was using it for a month only when it is being stolen. Fuck the thief. After that things doesn't go too bad until the release of my degree year 2 sem 1 result. I failed my loss model. I failed my coursework but I thought I could pass since I really know how to do during final. However, result still shows a 'F' for that subject. This is the first subject I fail in university. I do ask myself "Am I too stupid to study Actuarial Science?". The worst part is my grandma has passed away. She has left for a month, but I still cannot accept it. I always got a feeling that she is still with me as if she is still alive. I really miss her very much!!!
Year 2012 is really the worst year I ever had in my 20 years life. I hope 2013 will be a better year for me. :)

She left me

When I was having my breakfast with my family, my aunt received a call from my uncle saying that my grandma might leave us anytime. I have the same feeling as Friday night when I received a call from my mom saying that my grandma is in critical. We rush to the hospital immediately. On the way to the hospital, it started to rain. I was crying all the way. My dad did not speed up. He drive at his normal speed. My mom says my grandma will wait if she wants. We don't have to rush. But I am still worried that she will leave me before I reach.
I went up to her ward with my mom and aunts while my dad and my bro went to park the car. She is not conscious anymore. She is not opening her eyes. She is not answering me. T_T My aunt who take care of her last night said my grandma is not moving since 5am. My grandma move a lot even if she is sleeping. It must be something wrong if she is not moving. But my aunt did not inform us that time. I was so angry at her. Doctor said there is nothing much they can do now because she is already very weak. All we can do now is wait for to her pass away. I feel so useless that time. Later my dad and my bro came. She is still not awake. My mom called people in the old folks home to fetch my grandpa here. When my grandpa is coming up, my grandma's heartbeat starts to drop as shown in the machine. My grandma passed away immediately at 1548 when my grandpa is in front of her. Now I understand by what my mom means by "my grandma will wait if she wants". I won't believe it if I don't witnessed it myself.
Later we went to the shop that sells coffins. We chose clothes and coffins for my grandma. After discussing all the details for the my grandma's funeral, we went to have our dinner and went home. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't. I was crying and trying to hear is there any sound. I was expecting some sound that will let me know that my grandma's soul is in the house. But I don't hear a single thing. I MISS HER!

Second day in the hospital

After my brunch, I went to the hospital to see my grandma. She looks fine. My aunt said my grandma did not sleep the whole night. Maybe she is tired so she thinks it is late already. She asked what is the time. She says she wants to sleep and ask us to go home. She wants to get down of the bed. She the kind of active person. She is afraid she can't walk because she keeps lying on the bed. She even know where to throw the plastic bag that she use to split to. Doctor came and told us about my grandma. He said her lungs hardens. Her lungs can't function well anymore. Or I should say her lungs cannot contract much. Air keeps entering the lungs to provide oxygen for her body causing lungs to expand but not contracting to the normal size. There is no more bleeding in the lungs but there is still blood in the lungs. With a cut at the lungs, i am sure there will be other liquid which is not belongs to the lungs had enter the lungs. Everyone knows she will leave us soon. But I am not accepting the truth. Because I don't want to lose her. I take care of her for awhile. She has been taking care of me for 20 years, now it is time for me to take care of her.

The news...

Today, while I was on my bed about to take a nap, my phone rings. Is my mom. I picked it up and she told me my grandma had admitted to the hospital this morning because she vomit blood. I din't think much about it. I know she will be fine because she looks healthy all the while. So I took my nap. Later, after dinner, while I was cutting some fruits, my mom called. She said she have something to tell me but I have to be strong. The only thing in my mind is my grandma. Then she said grandma is in a very critical condition now and might pass away anytime tonight. I was so shock and nervous that time and I can't hold my tears anymore. After I inform my brother about it, I called Cheah and asked him can he fetch me to the hospital and he said yes immediately. How lucky am I to have a friend like him. =D I was crying and praying the whole journey. Cheah left after he had dropped me. I stop crying and rushed up to the wad. I saw my relatives sitting outside the ward. I walked in to the wad without talking to them. I am afraid that I don't get to see her for the last time. When she is in front of my eyes, my tears start to fall again. My mom asked me to tell grandma everything will be fine but I can't talk. I feel like crying. I tried to calm down, wiped my tears and go near her. She was sleeping. I called her and she responded. She recognized me. She is still very conscious but she didn't talk much. She asked me to go home only. I told her I will go back later and asked her to rest. So she continue to sleep. Awhile later, my brother reached. He came in with my aunties. He did the same thing I did. We stayed by her side around half an hour. Then we stay outside the ward so that we will not disturb the other patients. We had some conversations. I got to know more about what is going on with my grandma during the conversations. There is a cut in her lungs. Blood enters the lungs come out through the mouth. We do breath with mouth. The passage where the air goes through to enter the lungs is the passage for my grandma's blood come out from the lungs. But we still don't know why there is a cut. When the time shows 2.00am, my big aunt asked us to go home. She and my small aunt will stay there to take care of my grandma which is their mom. I din't cry on the way home. I was relieved that she is still alive.

Adrian 陈凯旋

YAY!!! He is back! He is updating again! =D I have something to share with you guys. It is taken from Adrian's Facebook.

Can u guys see the rainbow around the sun? It is so beautiful but nothing seems to be better than the return of my dear, Adrian. He went to Tokyo for a week. During that 1 week, I was so moody. Nothing is interesting to me. All I do is look at his old photos and statuses. But now, everything returns normal ^^. I can view his Facebook page every hour and like his post as usual. =)