Something from my heart

I feel that something is bothering me recently. But I don't know what is the feeling about. It makes me very uncomfortable. Forget about the feeling, let's talk about something else. People might tell you they will be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to. However this will not be the case when you really need them. This is because everyone has their own things to do, own problems to worry about, and some other friends to care about. So they may not have time for you sometimes. I used to tell myself this when my friends are not replying my message. I don't know how true is this but I hope I am not wrong. There are times when I need someone to talk to but I don't know who to approach. I go through my contact list in my phone, I go through my friends list in Facebook, I don't know who to find. I am not sure are they willing to listen to me. I am not sure if they will understand me. That is why I prefer to keep the problems to myself. This way makes me a very negative person. I always see things from the negative point of view. I know this is not healthy. I need to change it. I am reading books to motivate myself and I believe I will be able to be more optimistic. All the best!!! And good night~ :)

out of expectation~

My degree year 2 sem 3 result is out yesterday evening. I was at the bookstore that time. When I reach home at around 8pm, I don't have the courage to see my result. I was worried that I will fail any subject. So I waited until 12am because this is the time to sleep.  Everyone will be in the room including me. I choose to see my result in my room is because I don't want my family to see me crying. I will sure cry if I fail any subject. So when the drama in the television ends, I went up to my room and log in to my university's portal. Well, I failed one very important subject. Failing this subject cause me to extend one year of studies. In other words I have to graduate one year later than expected. Failing is not something out of my expectation. The person who comforted me yesterday is someone out of my expectation. He is this guy I used to dislike sometimes. I used to complain about him to my friends but he is the one who comfort me and help me to stay strong. I am not mentioning his name here. But still I would like to thank him here. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Before I end, I would like to thank jia yee n yan wei too. They were there for me too. Thank you!!! I love u guys very much!!! <3

How I feel inside...

I feel that sometimes I doesn't know how to communicate with people. Some people around me can be really fake. I hate to pretend. I hate to be fake. I know it is difficult to survive in this world like this. Besides this, I have another thing to say. People don't stick with me when there are others around. They can left me alone walking behind them without turning back to see if I am still around. I am sure they wouldn't know if I am lost. Well I know, I am not the popular kind. Not to say that I wanna be the centre of attraction but I just need a little attention. People tends to ignore me when we are in group. I will always be the listener because none of them will listen to me when I speak up. As time goes by, I turn to be more introvert.

Super emo

I am very down tonight. I don't know why. Maybe it is because of him. I guess I have really fall in love with him. I cried. I just can't hold my tears. I start to feel emo when I know he didn't reply me after he saw my msg. But he doesn't really have to reply anyway because my last message to him is "okay =D" . I know I shouldn't be moody because of this, but I still feel like crying when I think about it. Am I stupid? There might be more and more moody posts coming up in the future because I know I won't be happy if there is still him in my heart. I don't see chance between us.

2012

Year 2012 is not a good year for me. I had chicken pox where I still have the scars with me now. It  has been almost a year but the scars just don't want to go away. Then, I lost my Iphone. I was using it for a month only when it is being stolen. Fuck the thief. After that things doesn't go too bad until the release of my degree year 2 sem 1 result. I failed my loss model. I failed my coursework but I thought I could pass since I really know how to do during final. However, result still shows a 'F' for that subject. This is the first subject I fail in university. I do ask myself "Am I too stupid to study Actuarial Science?". The worst part is my grandma has passed away. She has left for a month, but I still cannot accept it. I always got a feeling that she is still with me as if she is still alive. I really miss her very much!!!
Year 2012 is really the worst year I ever had in my 20 years life. I hope 2013 will be a better year for me. :)

She left me

When I was having my breakfast with my family, my aunt received a call from my uncle saying that my grandma might leave us anytime. I have the same feeling as Friday night when I received a call from my mom saying that my grandma is in critical. We rush to the hospital immediately. On the way to the hospital, it started to rain. I was crying all the way. My dad did not speed up. He drive at his normal speed. My mom says my grandma will wait if she wants. We don't have to rush. But I am still worried that she will leave me before I reach.
I went up to her ward with my mom and aunts while my dad and my bro went to park the car. She is not conscious anymore. She is not opening her eyes. She is not answering me. T_T My aunt who take care of her last night said my grandma is not moving since 5am. My grandma move a lot even if she is sleeping. It must be something wrong if she is not moving. But my aunt did not inform us that time. I was so angry at her. Doctor said there is nothing much they can do now because she is already very weak. All we can do now is wait for to her pass away. I feel so useless that time. Later my dad and my bro came. She is still not awake. My mom called people in the old folks home to fetch my grandpa here. When my grandpa is coming up, my grandma's heartbeat starts to drop as shown in the machine. My grandma passed away immediately at 1548 when my grandpa is in front of her. Now I understand by what my mom means by "my grandma will wait if she wants". I won't believe it if I don't witnessed it myself.
Later we went to the shop that sells coffins. We chose clothes and coffins for my grandma. After discussing all the details for the my grandma's funeral, we went to have our dinner and went home. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't. I was crying and trying to hear is there any sound. I was expecting some sound that will let me know that my grandma's soul is in the house. But I don't hear a single thing. I MISS HER!

Second day in the hospital

After my brunch, I went to the hospital to see my grandma. She looks fine. My aunt said my grandma did not sleep the whole night. Maybe she is tired so she thinks it is late already. She asked what is the time. She says she wants to sleep and ask us to go home. She wants to get down of the bed. She the kind of active person. She is afraid she can't walk because she keeps lying on the bed. She even know where to throw the plastic bag that she use to split to. Doctor came and told us about my grandma. He said her lungs hardens. Her lungs can't function well anymore. Or I should say her lungs cannot contract much. Air keeps entering the lungs to provide oxygen for her body causing lungs to expand but not contracting to the normal size. There is no more bleeding in the lungs but there is still blood in the lungs. With a cut at the lungs, i am sure there will be other liquid which is not belongs to the lungs had enter the lungs. Everyone knows she will leave us soon. But I am not accepting the truth. Because I don't want to lose her. I take care of her for awhile. She has been taking care of me for 20 years, now it is time for me to take care of her.