Can I?

I have not been updating my blog for months. I was busy with my internship and studies for the past few months. Now is week 11 of my year 3 sem 3 and I will be very busy for few more weeks. It means that I should be either studying or doing assignments but I chose to write something here because I don't have mood to do other things. I have been crying for days, drinking beer, skipping meals and classes, and that's how moody I am. I gave myself a deadline for being so useless but I failed to be a stronger me even after the deadline. I tried to hide my sadness and smile but I can't. I can't hold my tears. I can't concentrate on anything. All I have in my mind is the memories with him. Our conversation, things we have done together,  places we went. I miss him. He might not be the forever one but he is the one I want for now. However, it seems like I am not the one he wants. So I am trying very hard to leave him. It will be very painful, but this is something I need to do. The problem now is can I? Am I strong enough to leave? I don't know..

T_T

I don't know why I get to cry so easily. At first, I got upset because my housemate did not wait for me for dinner. I end up eating fruits at home. Fine, I don't mind. I can forget about that. Later, when my cousin say he wanna shift out from his house where he is now staying with his mother and brother, I burst into tears. I don't know why. I am not sure if this is call stress. I am having four tests on this coming fri, sat and mon. I haven't finish revising any of them. When I look at my notes, I don't understand a single thing. I don't understand even reading them. I feel like giving up on my studies, giving up on my life. My result has been getting worst time to time. Sometimes, I ask myself, "Why am I so stupid?", "Why people can get good result but I can't?", Why am I keep failing subjects while others are improving?". And, I can't find answer for these questions. I have been studying hard, did pay attention in class but still I fail. What is happening to me? Did not do well in studies, not physically attractive, basically I don't see myself good at anything. I do cry for being so useless and I know crying doesn't help but still I can't control. I cry over small matters. I know this is not a good habit. Can anyone please tell me how to be someone stronger? I hate being weak but I have no idea how to grow stronger.

Feeling down~

Recently, I have been very emotional. I get angry easily. I feel sad most of the time. I wanna cry. I feel so small, so useless, so lonely. I know people around me are saying me fat behind me. Some of them even have a nickname for me. People usually pay attention on the one beside me instead of me. They can totally ignore me and talk to the one beside me only. Well, I understand. I am short, fat, ugly and seems not as friendly as the one beside me. They don't even bother to be friends with me, of course they won't even bother to talk to me. I know. I feel like I am being ignored.
Almost most of the test 1 results are out. I don't score high marks for most of it. I did study very hard but I still get those rubbish result. Can someone tell me why am I so stupid? Why do I still get low marks after studying so hard? WHYYYYY????? I am very disappointed with my myself. I fail to impress anyone on any matters.
While I am so down, I try to find someone to talk to. There is this friend, when I told her about my situation, instead of comforting me, she asked me a question. The question sounds "No people talk to you is it?". I was so disappointed with her. She call herself my bestfriend and this is what I get in return when I need her.
I think it is time for me to have a makeover. I will those who look down at me now to get a heart attack. Wait and see.

the person sitting opposite me everyday~

I didn't know you are kind of important to me. I know sometimes I am a bit no manners to you but that is because I put you in a position that is different than others. I tend to be more good girl in front of people that I am not close with. And I don't label you as the person I am not close with. The thing that makes me feel sad is you don't label me as close. I am nothing to you. I don't wish to be someone special to you but at least someone more important than the others.

Something from my heart

I feel that something is bothering me recently. But I don't know what is the feeling about. It makes me very uncomfortable. Forget about the feeling, let's talk about something else. People might tell you they will be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to. However this will not be the case when you really need them. This is because everyone has their own things to do, own problems to worry about, and some other friends to care about. So they may not have time for you sometimes. I used to tell myself this when my friends are not replying my message. I don't know how true is this but I hope I am not wrong. There are times when I need someone to talk to but I don't know who to approach. I go through my contact list in my phone, I go through my friends list in Facebook, I don't know who to find. I am not sure are they willing to listen to me. I am not sure if they will understand me. That is why I prefer to keep the problems to myself. This way makes me a very negative person. I always see things from the negative point of view. I know this is not healthy. I need to change it. I am reading books to motivate myself and I believe I will be able to be more optimistic. All the best!!! And good night~ :)

out of expectation~

My degree year 2 sem 3 result is out yesterday evening. I was at the bookstore that time. When I reach home at around 8pm, I don't have the courage to see my result. I was worried that I will fail any subject. So I waited until 12am because this is the time to sleep.  Everyone will be in the room including me. I choose to see my result in my room is because I don't want my family to see me crying. I will sure cry if I fail any subject. So when the drama in the television ends, I went up to my room and log in to my university's portal. Well, I failed one very important subject. Failing this subject cause me to extend one year of studies. In other words I have to graduate one year later than expected. Failing is not something out of my expectation. The person who comforted me yesterday is someone out of my expectation. He is this guy I used to dislike sometimes. I used to complain about him to my friends but he is the one who comfort me and help me to stay strong. I am not mentioning his name here. But still I would like to thank him here. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Before I end, I would like to thank jia yee n yan wei too. They were there for me too. Thank you!!! I love u guys very much!!! <3

How I feel inside...

I feel that sometimes I doesn't know how to communicate with people. Some people around me can be really fake. I hate to pretend. I hate to be fake. I know it is difficult to survive in this world like this. Besides this, I have another thing to say. People don't stick with me when there are others around. They can left me alone walking behind them without turning back to see if I am still around. I am sure they wouldn't know if I am lost. Well I know, I am not the popular kind. Not to say that I wanna be the centre of attraction but I just need a little attention. People tends to ignore me when we are in group. I will always be the listener because none of them will listen to me when I speak up. As time goes by, I turn to be more introvert.